That's What the Lonely is For

This week my Bible Study was studying Mark 14:27-42. It's where Jesus predicts that Peter will betray him by the morning and then the anguish and prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane. In the past, I've always seen this to be merely a view of Jesus in agony about his impending murder and yet his humble submission to it out of obedience and love. You know, an object lesson for me to suck it up and press on. And certainly it is about Jesus' perfect submission despite his humanity. But what struck me this time was the intense loneliness of Jesus.
Jesus tells his best friend that he'll betray him and Peter emphatically says "No! Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you." And Peter isn't lying to Jesus. He is earnest. And yet in a couple of hours when Jesus tells him that his "soul is overwhelmed to the point of death," Peter can't even manage to stay awake with his friend. Three times Jesus wakes Peter, James, and John up to keep watch and be with him and three times he finds himself alone in the dark surrounded by snoring.
He's all alone.
And He is aware that in a short time he will be sold out for money by a trusted friend, mocked, beaten, spit upon, murdered, and then horror of horrors--the sins of the world, the ENTIRE world, will be thrust upon Him. He will no longer be that which He has been since before time began. He will be forsaken. Cleft from the godhead for three miserable days. He goes from crying out "Abba" in the garden which is essentially crying "Daddy, Daddy"--a sign of his intimacy with God the Father--to proclaiming "My God, My God why have you forsaken me?" a question that shows only the formality and severity of their changed relationship.
I guess I'm struck by this because I know loneliness. I even know what it feels like to have one's soul be overwhelmed to the point of death. Literally--the point of death, as in on February 4, 2000 my loneliness put me in the hospital. And even now, I would say that I'm in a lonely state. No one warned me that while it is certainly full of laughter and joy, motherhood is a lonely place. Particularly if you are a stay-at-home mom. I feel like I'm trapped here with this foreigner who speaks in a series of clicks and whistles with no one to hear me crying out, no matter how loud I scream.
It's a joke here at the Phillips house when we're having a particularly bad day or are being misunderstood to say, "You know, Jesus had days like this." (This is particularly annoying when it is said to me by Sloan when I'm crying because he just doesn't "get" me and yet, it always seems to make me laugh which, in turn, only makes me madder because how dare he make me laugh when I'm yelling at him!) And yes, it is true that Jesus had days when the people he was loving ignored him. Or threw food at him. Or disappointed him. Or misunderstood him. Or that they had to put on more comfy pants before they could change that poopy diaper. (Okay, maybe that one's a stretch historically, but you get my picture.)
But what is NOT TRUE is that I've ever had days like Jesus. I've never been betrayed by someone dear to me. I've been lied to and a college boyfriend cheated on me, but to literally be sold out for murder--no, not so much. And I've never been forsaken.
To forsake is defined as "to give up something formerly held dear, to renounce, to abandon, to leave altogether." And certainly, I've never been forsaken by God. And yet, when I'm lonely, I feel that I am. I feel like no one else has even been misunderstood, unappreciated, ignored, unseen. And because I wrongly allow my emotions to be my barometer for truth, I say that I'm forsaken. I act forsaken. I believe lies.
Jesus' loneliness was based upon the reality that he was preparing to be all alone. My loneliness is a shadow. It is a reminder of the forsaken-ness Jesus took upon Himself for my sake. It is a reminder that my weakness is not the end of the story. It is an invitation to go deeper still because I will never have to be separated from my Father.
I will never have to cry out anything but Daddy.
And I needn't cry out very loud because He is closer than I think.