How do you look at a list of special needs and decide which
ones you’d “be okay” with? This is hard
to do without feeling like a total heel.
Obviously, we don’t want to bite off more than our family
can chew, but this is just. so. hard.
How do I say I’m “willing to follow God into the unknown” and then set
parameters into which that is true? Or
am I just allowing my flesh to back me into false guilt?
I’ve been looking at waiting children, reading their
multiple diagnoses, researching doctor’s notes and I’m flooded with the
memories of when I inquired about Grace to the nurses at UVA.
Of the fears that gripped my chest.
Of the images of what our life might look like in the future and how I
had to fight to push them back. Of my
selfish desires for a life of comfort and ease.
Despite what some pastors might tell you, let me be
clear—God is not concerned about my comfort.
He’s not concerned about me having my best life now. (Or He is concerned with my best life now, however
His vision of what is “best” doesn’t mean lots of Twix, a housekeeper, a shiny
new minivan and job security.) Just like
a good parent isn’t simply concerned with their child’s happiness. Lots of things are more important to me than
Henry and Grace’s happiness: their character, their safety, their willingness
to think of others first, their ability to discern between what is right and
wrong, their recognizing they are loved by their parents and their Maker, their
compassion for their fellow man.
Similarly, God is concerned with my holiness. He’s concerned with conforming me into the
likeness of Christ. And Christ
suffered. Christ ripped himself from the
heart of His Father so that I can rest forever there. Love suffers for the object of its affection.
But where does this leave me? Sitting in front of a check list of maladies
that I don’t even know what they mean. Trying
to read medical notes that were translated in crazy ways using phrases like
“scans do not show any slightly obvious abnormalities and shadows are unseen in
middle parts that are outer lying.” Huh? I’m trying to understand what medical
diagnosis trumps the fact that for these waiting kids’ their most special need
is to have a family.
I just can’t shake the truth that if the people of God don’t
tell the seemingly unlovable that they are loved, who will? And if I want to teach my kids that thinking
of others is more important than comfort, what better way than to bless them with a
sibling who requires compassion? And
what better way to teach me that suffering also reaps much, much blessing than
to see a child blossom through love before my very eyes? Will I even consider it as suffering? Or, like my Beloved, will I consider that our present sufferings are
not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us?
Oh Lord, I
believe. Help me in my unbelief.
1 comment:
Ahh the check list moment I remember it well. When we choose minor special needs we got some major ones... And when we went for the Special Needs Older Adoptee the second time around..(that really stretched my comfort zone to it's furthest point.) We got far more normalcy than one can expect from a child adopted at age 6ish.
DH and I joke our non special needs child is and our special needs child isn't. But what I can assure you on is God knows which child will be yours and so far for us even tho the road is bumpy it's a great ride.
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