Lately I’ve felt like a tight rope walker.
Teetering as I struggle to maintain a
work-life balance. I understand that everyone struggles with this. I watch Sloan struggle to make sure he works
to support his family rather than have his family support his work. I listen to friends who work outside the home
struggle to make sure their children know they are important, maintain sanity, and
run a household, all the while making sure they keep their bosses happy. So you’d think someone who is a stay at home
mom would have no trouble here. But the
struggle is, well, my work IS my life. I
can’t choose between my family and my work because they are interrelated. I can’t
just kick back and relax because there are loads of laundry to be folded,
shopping lists to complete, forms to be copied in triplicate for the dossier,
bills to be paid, frames to be painted, friends who need meals made for them,
and with the nice weather we’ve been having, parks to visit, and sprinklers to
run through, which of course, only increases the amount of laundry that will
inevitably be folded. Whoever started
that whole sitting on the couch and eating bon-bons rumor needs to be
shot.
I repeat—there are no bon-bons.
Add to this that we are entering the seventh level of
toddler hell, aka potty training, and I want to cry.
Add to THAT that we are stuck in Home Study Limbo and I am crying. I can’t really talk about how mad and sad and
frustrated we are with our current adoption situation without sinning.
Moreover, I am falling off the tight rope as I attempt to
have a good balance of serving others and being insular in my family’s
life. I want us to be others’ focused,
but in doing so, I’ve dropped the ball entirely on serving my kids.
And my mind is jumbled.
I think my constant multi-tasking between cooking and cleaning and email
and home study and preschool and having to get all new siding on my house and consignment sales and trunk shows and Plum
Panda business and my daughter’s obsession with stripping naked and washing her
hands in the toilet has completely left me incapable of just doing one thing to
completion. I'm so focused on all the balls I have up in the air that I'm completely running into the folks living with me. And let's not talk about how I've completely failed at giving up soda for lent.
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| #lentfail |
So I’ve been attempting to reboot my brain because it
just-won’t-stop-thinking or processing information in manic fashion. The other night I was tossing and turning
because I was fearful that in training Ugandan soldiers to stop Kony (a
necessary thing) we were just arming a Ugandan government that is equally
guilty of crimes against humanity and it just seemed an awful lot like arming
the Taliban to defeat the Russians. Seriously. This is the kind of crazy I am dealing with.
So I’m stepping off the rope. I'm letting the balls fall.*
Everyone tells you that when you bring your adopted child
home you need to circle the wagons and just be a family. To drop out of all your activities and just
focus on loving one another for about a year.
Oh, how I long for that year!
So I’m circling early.
Because in the end, the WHAT I’m doing in my service is of little
importance if I’m confused about the WHO.
When I am patient with my daughter as she hides under my pillow and
BREAKS ALL OF MY MAKEUP all over my bedspread while I pack to go out of town, I
am serving Jesus. When I take the time
to fix bacon and eggs for a little boy who loves them so much rather than just
serving up a bowl of Cheerios so I can work on more Plum Panda stuff, I am
cooking for Jesus. When I put down my
Ipad and my paintbrushes and snuggle up with Sloan on the couch to watch New
Girl, I am sharing the love of Jesus.
When I cease the striving, I can trust. And receive much grace. And I’m reminded, it is not the type of service
but the One being served who matters.
And I am not the Savior of the world or my family. Hallelujah!
So if you hear crickets around here for awhile, it’s because
I refuse to tightrope or juggle anymore.
*That's what she said.
1 comment:
I think this is awesome! As women I think we fall into this trap a lot and it takes someone very mature and faithful to recognize when those closest to us need us the most. Your children are so very young and it is more than OKAY to make them and your hubby the focus of your service right now. Blessings.
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