Lord, Have Mercy on Me, a Mother

Let me first make the disclaimer that this post is not meant to sound like I'm complaining. I just want to put that out there. I only mean to say I am weary.

Henry has entered toddler-dom. As we slowly approach his second birthday, I will not be so bold as to say he's entered "the terrible twos" (because terrible isn't the right word) it is just that Henry and I are spending a lot of time dealing with wrong and right. And neither of us like it very much. The only perk to causing my son to scream and cry a lot is that it is me he wants to comfort him, and so there are lots of cuddles that follow our-- shall we say-- "boundary lessons."

On the one hand, I'm torn because I'm not quite sure how much of what I'm telling him he actually understands. But then I see how he now knows to fold his hands when we pray before meals, to lift his legs when I'm changing his diaper, to kiss me and then reach for his crib whenever I say, "Night Night, Henry, to "talk" on the phone, and that somehow, he knows where every stinkin' light switch and electrical outlet in our home is. What this tells me is that at some point, me saying "Night Night," kissing him, and then putting him in his crib meant nothing, but that my doing it every night over a period of time taught him that these things go together.

And it is very difficult. Because he does not like being told no. Or having his sippy cup taken away (because he's thrown it at me). Or having to leave the gym (and that one is especially difficult because the people are staring at you like, "Geesh, maybe you oughtta let the kid play a little while longer. And why can't you control your child?!") And sometimes I have to give in, like when we're in a restaurant and I want to keep the table across from me from calling social services because I'm not giving my son his milk. But at home, I have to stand firm. And it is difficult stuff, this molding of people.

For starters, I do not want him to think the world revolves around him, so no, he can't play any longer. I'm his authority figure, so my plan is the one we work around. Will I let him put away a few toys? Sure, but no, we're not staying another 5 minutes. And also, even if he does not want to go home, he can't just go limp as I take his hand, forcing me to either drag his limp body across the Kidz Zone or pick him up at which point he will arch his back, scream and slap my shoulder. Sure, you can chalk some of this up to immaturity and his age, but mostly, he's just being selfish. And unfortunately, you don't outgrow selfishness. So as his Mom, I need to train him to be accommodating. Particularly accommodating to his superiors.

I just finished reading a book called "Shepherding a Child's Heart" which deals with this a lot. Coming from a Biblical perspective, it basically says it is not enough to want kids who do the right thing. Our desire should be that our kids want the right things. That our actions come from our heart, and so shouldn't we be after our kids hearts more than their actions? So we have to get to their motivations. It also operates under the premise that a supple heart is a blessed heart, so if we, as parents, allow our kids to have brittle hearts, we deny them blessing. So I've got to try to get at this little bugger's rebellious, impatient, selfish heart. And I've got to do it lovingly, consistently, gently, and yet, firmly.

All the while, not letting my rebellious, impatient, selfish heart get in the way. I know what it's like to struggle with a hard heart. It gets in the way with so much, so if I can smooth the way for Henry to have a soft heart. I'll do it.

Today was hard. I'm pretty sure I upended no less than 14 minor rebellions. But I'm still a bit of a softie. Tonight, seeing as it is around 14 degrees outside and Sloan is out of town, the little rebel is sleeping with me. So I had to go buy some of those bed railing things. And because he pointed to them and clapped, we are now the proud owner of yet another Thomas train, Duncan.