The gestation of faith

There is something inside of me that is growing.

Faith.

Scripture tells us that faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. And God has given me a tiny embryo of hope that is slowly developing into greater faith. Faith that yes, He is in control of me and my family. And that He has great plans for The Phillips clan here in Midlothian, Virginia. Plans that may include tears, but are mostly characterized by joy and because of who we are, laughter.

He is also given me the assurance that I'm not entirely crazy, or even hopeless, by being fearful. As I see it, it is entirely rational to be fearful of things that are painful. It's a sign of being able to see reality as it is and also one of maturity. I mean, who likes pain? But I'm wavering on the edge of not being fearful of the unknown.

I will not say that I am not scared of what God's plans are. I'd be foolish not to be. Maybe Henry will be an only child. Maybe we will grieve our way through another miscarriage. Maybe at this moment, somewhere in the world, some other Mommy is carrying her own little embryo that God is planning to place in our family. Who knows? My own tiny seed of faith tells me that whatever His plans for me are, He will prepare me for them. That I'm not going to have to prepare myself and that any attempts to will only get in the way.

Imagining that I could change my heart for His plans seems foolish. Hasn't He shown me in the past that His plans include changing me in the process? Isn't this part of what I'm hoping for?

So my hope will not rest in getting pregnant or having a baby. My hope will rest in God. That He will keep His promises to us. That He will be who He says He is--loving, merciful, powerful. God.