Semi-Open

As I’ve been mainly focusing here on our current adoption of Charlie, I haven’t mentioned at all what has been transpiring in Gracie’s little world of adoption.  This is the first of a couple posts to update and educate some folks on our semi-open transracial adoption.

We have what is called a “semi-open” adoption with Grace’s birth-mother (GBM).  That basically means we have her medical background from the Bethany pregnancy counselor with whom her birth-mother worked to select us and place Gracie.  GBM, along with her drug counselor, initially chose us but was then told we were unavailable because we were already in the process of securing the placement of Emma Sloan.  She then chose two other families, both of whom refused to accept Gracie because of the vast medical needs she had and the risks associated with the health of GBM.  But as you may remember, Emma Sloan’s birthmom chose to parent on day 9 of our 10 day waiting period, and so we were then asked to consider Grace.  

The semi-open adoption agreement through Bethany also requires things from us.  For the first six months, we had to supply Bethany with a letter and photo at each post-placement supervision visit. So, of course, I supplied LONG letters and about twenty photos each time.  Since the finalization of Gracie’s adoption, we are simply required to do annual updates.  Each year, around Gracie’s birthday, we send a letter for GBM and photos to Bethany.  We also tend to include something for Grace's tween half-sister.

Birth-mothers can choose whether or not to receive the updates.  Many times, a birth-mother refuses the updates, but then, after a few years, asks to see the files.  I do not believe this is because the birth-moms are suddenly gripped by regret, but that, having waded through their grief of placing a child with an adoptive family, they are finally able to see the blessings they chose for their child.  They want confirmation that it was and continues to be the best choice.  

GBM and birth-grandmother have always wanted the updates.  And our first Christmas home with Gracie we received via Bethany a Christmas card full of photos.  We have pictures of GBM as a baby, child, teenager and adult.  She is lovely.  Silky straight dark hair (though there did appear to be a permed stage in high school), almond shaped brown eyes.  If you saw her high school pics and mine, you would think we could pass for cousins.  Seriously.  

We have pictures of her half-sister as an infant--they share the same chubby cheeks and pudgy toes.  We have pics of Grace’s birth-grandmother riding an elephant.  We have pictures of Gracie’s biological great-grandma sitting cross-legged on the floor of a house in Japan eating noodles with chopsticks.  

Mostly this semi-open relationship has been one-sided.  We send letters and photos and hear nothing.  Gracie’s birthfamily does not know our last names, nor where we live and only because Grace was in the NICU for so long do we know the GBM’s last name.  ­­I once googled her name to try and locate her (much to the fear of my case worker).  Yeah, I was able to locate her location via longitude and latitude, but not her street address.  Given the fact that I can barely read a map, this was less than helpful.  

We do so desperately long to have a relationship with her.  For the sake of Gracie’s school aged-half sister still living with her and her grandmother.  For the birthmom’s sake.  So she can see the redemption that has taken place in our daughter’s life.  So she can see how even in the midst of all the drug haze, God was and is for HER.  That God loves her.  Not because she chose life and chose us, but because God adores her.  That He chooses her.  That he longs to adopt her.  

I do not want her to simply be my daughter’s birthmother.  I want her to be my sister. In addition to sharing her daughter, I would like to share a Savior. I want to be able to look Gracie in the eye and tell her that she will get to spend all of eternity getting to ask each and every question she had here on earth.  

I do believe it would be helpful for Gracie to know her birthmom.  To have her as a resource for questions.  But the truth is, because of the wretched disease of addiction, this will most likely NOT be able to happen.  It just wouldn’t be helpful for anyone for Gracie to see her birthmom when she is strung out.  So we pray.  For healing.  For sobriety.  For redemption in the land of the living.