So to all of you soon to be vanilla mommas or new vanilla mommas, let me let you in on something: it's just hair. Is it a marker of a mother's love and care in the African American community? For sure. But again, it's just hair.
Before Grace was 6 months old, she had a three foot tall tackle box full of doo-dads and baubles, creams and custards, pomades, all natural shampoos and conditioners, and a variety of combs. Now she has a beach bucket. Oh, and about a billion bows. And pony-Os. And a giant tub of coconut oil from Wal-Mart. I rarely shampoo her hair. I rinse it occasionally with apple cider vinegar, but mainly we co wash with a great conditioner that I found at Costco. She uses a sleep cap. But not the original satin sleep cap I commissioned from someone on Etsy, but a Lycra TYR swim cap. I read a blog called Chocolate Hair/Vanilla Care. And my favorite styling tool? My fingers.
I've relaxed a bit when it comes to doing her hair. I've also learned that lots of Chocolate mommas have no better control over their daughter's hair than I do. Can I twist and cornrow and make bantu knots? Yes. They're not perfect, but they are getting better.
The truth is, most people who are going to judge you don't need an invitation to do so. So when a random black woman in Target clicks her tongue and shakes her head disapprovingly because I let Gracie's hair be free, I don't worry because just two aisles over will be another woman who will rave about it and ask what products I use.
Or we have a moment like today, when after four days of my first attempt at first two-strand twists we rock a twist out so fierce that literally four African American women at Lowe's will ask if they can have their picture taken with her. Individually. As in there was a line at Lowe's to get your picture taken with Gracie like she was Santa.
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| Ignore the matting in the back of the twist out. Car seats do this. So does rolling around in a sand box. |
And as to the girls on the playground? It is not a question of if. Both my daughters will face judgement. And I will be prepared to combat those lies of them not being black enough with the truth: you are beautiful, you are loved, you are made in God's image and while your Mommy may be Vanilla, I am the one whom God chose to kiss your boo-boos and tuck you in at night. And that is enough.
2 comments:
I found a link tO your blog on Ali Shenk's blog. Your daughter is so beautiful!! Can I ask what the function of the swim cap is at night? To prevent knots? I love this little bunchy things- I think you called them Bantu knots. I live in Australia and have a friend from Uganda. Her son cut off his sister's Bantu knots one day when he was bored. Not a good look but she looked cute once the hairdresser cut it all off short.
Kate,
Thanks for the comment. The sleep cap serves several purposes. One is to protect the style. You spend 3 hours braiding your daughter's hair, you want it to last more than an afternoon. Curly hair is fragile and more prone to breakage, so putting it in a protective style like braids, twists, etc reduces the amount you have to comb and detangle. And the cap protects the style. My late grandmother used to get her hair "set" once a week and in between, she'd wrap it in toilet paper. No joke. This is a better look. Secondly, kinky curly hair doesn't retain moisture like straighter hair types. So we moisturizer nightly with coconut oil. The cap both protects our bed linens and also keeps the oils in. Cotton wicks moisture away, so we try to keep her hair away from cotton. We do have satin pillow cases for her, but at almost 3, she rarely sleeps like a sane person in the bed.
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