Wrong Questions

People often ask me if we’ll adopt again. Today, I say no. More specifically, I can say that at least for the next three years, we will not as that’s my term on the Bethany board. But from that point on, I just don’t know.

Sloan tells me that he’s talked to Jesus and Jesus has assured him that we’re done. He likes to be pragmatic and discuss the finances of adopting again and says things like “You know that would mean you wouldn’t be able to get a minivan or probably ever move to a bigger house?” (My husband knows my idols.)

At first, I said to Sloan, “How about we pray for either your heart or my heart to be changed?” Which basically amounts to us praying against one another. Not great for the marriage.

Instead, we have decided to pray for more of Jesus. To pray to see his heart more clearly.

I have a feeling where this is headed…

When we adopted Gracie, it was to grow our family. To quench a thirst we had to be parents again. To give Henry a sibling. To feel a sense that our family was complete. What I did not expect was for God to use the adoption of Gracie to pretty much change everything about me. Through adoption, I expected to receive a son or daughter. I did not expect to be given a glimpse of God’s heart. I did not expect God to rudely invite Himself over to my house, set up camp, and change everything.

I do feel that our family is complete. We have a boy and a girl. The ratio of biological to adopted children is equal. Everyone has someone to ride with on the roller coaster. My heart is full. Overflowing, in fact.

But what if, perhaps, it’s not all about me?

What if God has more of Himself to show and give me through adoption?

What if it is not a matter of asking if we feel “done” but about asking if there’s “room”?