It's me, you old poop*...

Sloan loves telling me he is old.  Because he is a whopping 4 years older than me and has gray hair.  I reply that being lazy and being old are two entirely different things.

However, this morning it came to my attention that I may very well be old.  Not getting old, but, sadly, already there and unpacked.  Ready for shuffleboard and my 4pm dinner. 

You see, I injured myself putting on deodorant.  I pulled a muscle in my back.  When it first happened, I was quite certain that I was having a pulmonary embolism and well on my way to dying from a stroke.  (Can you tell I watch too much Deadliest Catch?)  I was having sharp, shooting pains in my back, right under my chicken wing bones (to use the medical term).  And the pain was so intense that it made breathing difficult--which was not helped by the fact I was certain I was dying, which, duh, was causing me to hyperventilate. 

I tried convincing Sloan that my near death experience was well worth him cancelling his day's meetings.  I didn't care how many people had flown in from California. 

"You can't go out of town, I think I may be dying." I yelled to Sloan from our front porch as he put his suitcase in the trunk of his car. 

"How did you do this again?"

"Shut up.  Don't make me laugh.  I think a blood clot is passing through my lungs and heart."

"You pulled a muscle putting on deodorant; you're not Captain of the Cornelia Marie."

"Well, if you need me today and can't reach me, it may be because I'm at the hospital."

None of these ploys seemed to make him stay at home.   He simply told me to take it easy.  What?  As opposed to all those days I take it hard? 

By the end of breakfast, I was almost positive that I would live throughout the day.  I think I may have even been exaggerating.  But really, I did pull a muscle and it did hurt to breathe for awhile and that did scare me.  So we had a relaxing morning of doing laundry and watching Kung Fu Panda and The Princess and the Frog.  My back now simply has that ache you feel when you strain something. 

But when putting on deodorant becomes a strain, that means you are OLD.  Or it is time to move to France. 

*Another sign of being elderly?  The ability to quote "On Golden Pond" at will.  It was my mother's favorite movie and one of about 6 VHS tapes we had as a kid.  I watched it a lot.  That and "Poltergeist".  Probably not the most age appropriate thing.