The truth about adoption and life with two...

Before we even thought about Gracie, I often wondered what life with two kids would be like.  How could my heart be big enough for another child?  I was (and am still) obsessed with Henry.  Would I find out that my hunch was right all along and that Moms really do have favorites?  And what if we adopt a child and I love them less because they aren't a part of my biologically?  Or what if I somehow love them more?  Would Henry one day in a rage because his sibling took the last cookie tell them "you aren't really a Phillips"?  And if so, what would I do? 

I emailed back and forth with Heather Whittaker because she has both biological children and an adopted son.  (Her son, Losiah, is the little boy who wants to be a single lady of viral video fame.)  I read books about adoption and parenting.

Here's what I now know:

First, my heart was not big enough for two children before I had two children.  In an instant, it grew.  In fact, I'd say much like the first time I held Henry, the first time I held Gracie my heart swelled.  Like a balloon attached to a hose, it grew and grew until it burst and there was just love all over the both of us.  And we're still splashing around in it.

Secondly, Moms do have favorites.  Let me explain this.  While I do not love one of my children more than the other, at times one of them is easier to love than the other.  Gracie's main activities involve blowing bubbles with her spit, holding my face with her hand, and smiling when I enter a room.  Henry likes to hide behind the couch and poop in his underwear.  Do the math.  This doesn't mean that I love Henry less when he poops on Buzz Lightyear, just that an almost 3 year old requires much more repentance and prayer to love than an easy going 6 month old.  And with great frequency I forget to repent and pray and so Henry gets the shaft.  I hope that my recognizing this will make up for it and will show him that only God loves him perfectly.  So when he is 30 and comes to me and tells me that I ruined him, I'll just say, "Yep, kid.  I know.  Take a number.  I ruined your sister too.  Good thing we both have Jesus to redeem all that." 

Thirdly, my heart does not know the difference between my biological and adopted child.  I took great offense to the Census when it wanted me to differentiate between my biological and adopted children and therefore I became one of those protesty people who just filled out the number of people in our house and left the rest blank before mailing it in.  Henry loves talking about how Henry and Gracie have brown eyes just like Mommy and if I had a nickel for every time I'm told my daughter has my eyes, well, I'd have about 6 dollars.  I sometimes even forget she is a different race.  I don't even really notice that she is darker than me unless I see Henry holding her hand.  (At which point I really want to break out into Ebony and Ivory live together in perfect harmony).  Just the other day I was kissing her toes and said to Sloan, "You know, her toes look nothing like mine."  Sloan chuckled and said, "You do know why that is, right?" 

Lastly, at present, I have no fears of Henry not thinking Gracie is a Phillips.  For starters, I'm not even sure Henry knows he is a Phillips.  But mainly because Henry's love for Gracie is the sweetest thing around.  At times, I do worry that he will smother her because he leans over her, kisses her, and puts her in a "tickle cave".  And if Gracie is sleeping he gets mad at the phone for ringing.  "Hey, phone.  No ringing!  Gwacie sleeping."  Of course, that is until we are in the car and she falls asleep and he yells, "Gwacie, wake up!  Henwe talking to you!"  Or perhaps he just needs to honk her nose.  And she adores his attention.  He'll grab her hand and she'll laugh.  And when he sticks his finger in her belly button and yells "Dink!" she doesn't even bat an eye.  I realize that at some point in time, her sheer existence on the planet will be problematic for him.  But that is simply because he is the older brother and she is the younger sister and that's just the way it goes. 

Whether you are a Phillips or not.