Donny Osmond, what are you talking about?

Once again, we were listening to the golden sounds of Channel 401, Sounds of the Season. And I have a few questions about Christmas Carols.

1. Why you gotta always make the yuletide gay? Is there not an argument for the yuletide being created gay? Why can't the yuletide be straight? And why is this any of our business?

2. Is there a contractual obligation for all recording artists to record the song "Winter Wonderland"? I've heard versions from everyone from Frank Sinatra to Neil Diamond to the Cocteau Twins. And seriously, who makes a snowman and then decides to make him a preacher? (Parson Brown)

3. All songs about the 8 lb 6 oz baby Jesus and the night he was born. I'm certain that the night of the Christ child's birth was Holy. But Silent? He was born in a barn. No way. And why do song writers feel they need to make Jesus a docile baby? The miracle is that He is fully God and fully man. And babies cry. It's how they communicate to their mommies and I'm pretty certain a new born needs to say to it's Mom, "Hey you! I was warm where I was. And what's this grumbly in my tummy?" and certainly Jesus had to add, "Hey Mary! Could you swaddle me a bit tighter and maybe have the shepherds wash their hands before they adore me?"

4. Quite possibly, the most theologically rich Christmas songs are "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing," "O Little Town of Bethlehem," and "Joy to the World." But my all time favorite is still probably "O Holy Night." But I ask you, can you listen to the Little Drummer Boy and not want to chant "Pa Rum Pa Pa Pum?" It gets points for being my childhood favorite and also the favorite of most kids I know.

5. And who tells Ghost stories at Christmas? In "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" the words are "They'll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories of Christmases long long ago." WHAT?!? Is this some tradition that my folks just didn't observe? Is this talking about your great Aunt Pat's beard? Dickens?