Why International?

A friend recently asked why we chose international adoption over adopting out of the US foster care system.  Now usually when someone asks me this, it gets my cackles us.  Because the question is typically accompanied with a sneer of judgment from a complete stranger as if to say “Why do you not want to help American kids?”  {Sidebar: one time this nurse at MCV when Grace was teeny tiny and being checked by the specialists said to me, "Oh, I am so glad you decided to help out one of our own kids.  I don't see why so many help those foreign kids when there are kids here to love."  I said, "Um, it's only 9am and I can guarantee that is the most ignorant thing I will hear all day.  Can we please be seen by another nurse?"  Yeah, her jaw dropped and I think Sloan tried to hide under the sink.  But she left the room and we didn't get another nurse but a very apologetic doctor.  My quick wit may get me in trouble A LOT, but don't mess with me where my kids are concerned.  Cause I ain't afraid to cut somebody.}  However, this friend asked it simply to understand, as in she wanted to know how God lead us.  So I will answer.  But get comfortable, because this answer is kinda long.  It was not a decision we took lightly.

For starters, I will say that typically there are two reasons people adopt:  1. to grow a family and, 2. to provide a family.  Sure the latter achieves the former, but the motivation is different.  We adopted Grace to grow our family.  Jesus parlayed that adoption into a passion to see more of His heart for the orphan.  And here we are pining for two Congolese kids.

Initially, we did look into adopting out of foster care.  We have friends who are foster parents.  Sloan has mentored a young man who aged out of foster care and is now in college.  So it isn’t a world that is foreign to us.  The goal of the foster care system is to keep biological families intact.  Sometimes this is a glorious thing.  Parents are able to get their lives together while their kids get a break from the brokenness by being placed in a foster family.  But more often, it is a legal ping pong where there are no winners.  Case workers get frustrated at the judicial system and kids get shuffled.  Foster parents’ hearts get broken.  Kids never seem to have the chance to settle into the security of a permanent home because the next court date may mean they go back into foster care or back to their biological parent.  Therefore, the children who have done this dance back and forth until a judge finally says to the biological parent “Okay, that’s enough, your parental rights are being revoked” are typically much older.  And the state revoking a parent’s right to raise their child shouldn’t be taken lightly.  It’s a big deal.  It’s a broken solution to brokenness.  

For this, I am ever so grateful that Grace’s birthmom made an adoption plan for her.  That she had the courage to put her children’s lives before her own.  She relinquished her rights.  No judicial fight.  Grace and the twins were free to be loved.  Do I sometimes wish that we had known about the twins so they could’ve been placed with us?  Of course.  But I’m grateful to know and love their Momma via facebook.  Apparently, the vanilla versions of Grace have similar laughs and giggles and ridiculous temper tantrums.  

But typically, the children available for outright adoption from the foster care system are older.  They’ve been in the system awhile.  And these families DO need homes.  We simply felt that because Henry and Grace are so young and particularly unable to fend for themselves, it didn’t seem right to put them with an older sibling who, through no fault of his or her own, may hurt them.  A lot of these kids are troubled because no one gets tossed around like that without effect.  They need a family that can love them without abandon or reservation.  Does that make sense?  And through conversations I’ve had with case workers who work in the foster care system, they understand that tweens and teenagers are not the best fit for a family with preschoolers.  Also, when we went to AdoptUSKids to search for how many kids fit our age parameters and were free and clear to adopt, there were 17.  We looked at their profiles and made inquiries, but none of them seemed to fit.

And as to why international?  Because while the US foster care system has serious flaws, the neediness is different and we were drawn to stepping into that need.  I’ll give you an example of what I mean.

Today we got confirmation that Charlie and Mollie have been moved to our agency’s transition house.  Transition House is the term our agency uses to denote the fact that our kids will learn to transition to things that will prepare them for their new lives.  They will be shown our picture and be told about us.  And for possibly the first time in their lives they will live in a home with beds.  With indoor plumbing.  With electricity.  With daily meals.  With access to clean drinking water.  With 24 hour armed guards.  They even have a little swing set and a soccer goal in the front yard of the gated house.  Our agency has a rep in country right now and she took the kids ice cream today.  Seriously, compared with other African orphanages, it is like they are at Disneyland.  

My kids live in a country where close to half of the children die before age 5 due to malnutrition, malaria, and other things that no one dies from in a first world country.  They live in a country where kids not much older than Henry are brainwashed and roped into militia.  Where kids work tirelessly so we can enjoy our cell phones and chocolate.  Where 24 hour armed guards are needed.  Because there are folks coming into orphanages and trying to kidnap kids who have already been adopted to farm out to all of us well-meaning Westerners.  It is scary stuff.  

So yes, kids in the US foster care system need families.  But so do the other 145 million orphans on this planet.  I don’t see why so many like to act like it is a competition between which kids are the neediest.  Where you are born shouldn’t determine whether or not you get to live and be loved.

That’s the long answer.  

The short answer?  Um…we are adopting from the Congo because that’s where our kids are.